... ou comment vivre une vie créative

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Nathalie's endoscopy

Five months have now past since I've started my fellowship in gastroenterology.
The work is so hard that I had to quit painting and drawing. I also had to quit danse class I took on tuesdays and badminton class on sundays.
I stopped following my favorite blogs.
I stopped dropping my daughter to preschool because she was still sleeping when I had to leave home.
I stopped picking her up from preschool because I leave from the hospital too late.

It took me five months to cope and to be able to blog about it.

And that's not the worst thing.
The worst thing is that I feel like the people I'm working with don't like me.
I'm so afraid to say something stupid or do or write something wrong.
I don't sleep well. I worry all the time. My stomach feels heavy and sometimes I feel nauseous.
I cry a lot.

Some nurses told me that my 'mentors' indeed don't like me very much.
I've graduated in a different med school.
I may work a bit differently. We may focused on different things, have different fields of interests and different approches of patients.
Apparently, there is an ungoing war between the two leading med schools in Brussels.
I'm licensed physician at one of them. All my superiors are licensed at the other one.
I've even heard one of them saying that the medical knowledge I've received is insufficient. That Evidence Based Medicine is a stupid concept.
Ouch. It was so harsh to hear that.
I certainly am not an encyclopedia.
But I'm proud of the skills I've learned. I know where to find the best available evidence there is and to use it to make the best clinical decision I can.

Shouldn't my supervising residents support me?
I've read that 'fellowship' is synonym with 'comradeship', 'camaraderie', 'friendship', 'society', 'intimacy'.
Well, it certainly does not feel that way.
I feel like they are bosses of me and not mentors.

Still seven months to go in that hospital.
Then two more years. I don't know yet in wich hospital I'll work next october.

I miss my art journal.
I've managed to draw this today :
It's me :)
Thank you for your supportive comments lately.
It really helps.


Martha Richardson said...

I'm so sorry for your struggles...sometimes the "establishment" is harsh but you must believe in you...and always you:)

marsha. said...

So sorry you are having such a hard time. I hope things change for the better soon, but if not: it seems like you are determined to finish this fellowship. And you can do anything if you are set on it. Take care Nathalie!

lilotte said...

Tu n'as certainement pas le choix, alors essaie de prendre ces derniers mois avec philosophie, et dis-toi que ça ne peut pas être pire après ça.Je constate que c'est toujours aussi dur pour les femmes qui travaillent. A quoi ça sert le 8 mars ???

Linda Branch Dunn said...

Your hand is still good. and your eye and your heart. Draw one line a day if that's all you can manage. This too will pass, and you will (still) be an artist, and a healer.

Marit said...

I'm so sorry to hear you have a hard time at the hospital while you should get all the support of your mentors (yes, mentors are supposed to give you support!!!) Hang in there and keep breathing... thinking of you right now and sending a big hug!

Barb Cady said...

Dear Nathalie, your post has moved me. I have been in our National Health Service all my working life. I know how hard it can be to have to give your all and care and then find time to care for those that you love. I have followed your blog since we shared an Amelia on line workshop. Your love shines through in your work. Hold tight to your heart, you are making a difference in the world. These people will not matter for ever. Find an odd moment for your journal when you can and hug your baby. Thinking of you. xx

gypsy said...

nathalie, i don't have a magical answer for you, but inside you are a strong, intelligent, caring, creative woman. a mom. look back at what you have accomplished, we are so proud of you!

is there any option, if you step back, a creative option?

perhaps you can step out of the hospital building one time each day, take one breath of fresh air, for one minute and look up at the top of the trees to the sky and take a photo. i look forward to seeing again your brilliant brush strokes when this fellowship is complete.

mamanova said...

Oh Nathalie, I'm so sad to hear this. Sending much love and strength your way, that you can find some way to get back to the things that you love or a different option for your life xxx

Anns Art said...

Hello Nathalie, I haven't looked in on your blog for sometime, I knew you were leaving your art for a while..but just now I had that feeling I had to look in on your blog again. Sorry to read of your troubles at work, that isn't nice to cope with. But look at what you have at home : your family and they are the most important. Chin up Nathalie and the very best of wishes are currently beamed your way.

tina's space said...

I am a physician too and did a pediatric critical care fellowship so I understand what you are going through. Training does not last forever. It is a phase and there is life after training; a life that you can shape to your liking. I can attest to that. You may not have time for your art right now which is what has drawn me to your blog, but that too will pass. Stick at it, do your best, rest as much as you can. It will get better. Believe it. Enjoy what you can and leave the rest behind you.

i.ikeda said...

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your new work. I second what another poster said, training doesn't last forever, even if it feels like it's never ending. You must feel lonely working with people you work who don't support you and may in fact think your knowledge isn't sufficient. And because you graduated from a different school? It doesn't seem fair. Hang in there Nathalie. You've worked so hard, and I hope you get to enjoy the fruits of your hard work soon.

cold feet studio said...

i've just read your post. you should never forget your worth. not everyone can do the work you do and without people like you we would be lost.
stay true to yourself and know that you make a difference.
best wishes to you.

madhavi said...

anyone been treated for peptic ulcers without having an Endoscopy surgery?