Five months have now past since I've started my fellowship in gastroenterology.
The work is so hard that I had to quit painting and drawing. I also had to quit danse class I took on tuesdays and badminton class on sundays.
I stopped following my favorite blogs.
I stopped dropping my daughter to preschool because she was still sleeping when I had to leave home.
I stopped picking her up from preschool because I leave from the hospital too late.
It took me five months to cope and to be able to blog about it.
And that's not the worst thing.
The worst thing is that I feel like the people I'm working with don't like me.
I'm so afraid to say something stupid or do or write something wrong.
I don't sleep well. I worry all the time. My stomach feels heavy and sometimes I feel nauseous.
I cry a lot.
Some nurses told me that my 'mentors' indeed don't like me very much.
I've graduated in a different med school.
I may work a bit differently. We may focused on different things, have different fields of interests and different approches of patients.
Apparently, there is an ungoing war between the two leading med schools in Brussels.
I'm licensed physician at one of them. All my superiors are licensed at the other one.
I've even heard one of them saying that the medical knowledge I've received is insufficient. That Evidence Based Medicine is a stupid concept.
Ouch. It was so harsh to hear that.
I certainly am not an encyclopedia.
But I'm proud of the skills I've learned. I know where to find the best available evidence there is and to use it to make the best clinical decision I can.
Shouldn't my supervising residents support me?
I've read that 'fellowship' is synonym with 'comradeship', 'camaraderie', 'friendship', 'society', 'intimacy'.
Well, it certainly does not feel that way.
I feel like they are bosses of me and not mentors.
Still seven months to go in that hospital.
Then two more years. I don't know yet in wich hospital I'll work next october.
I miss my art journal.
I've managed to draw this today :
It's me :)
It's me :)